all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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