You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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