Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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