Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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