Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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