My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
