Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You're like the curious george of whores
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
