Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I did not marry a roomba.
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