even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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