I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
