Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
