I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
