Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
