I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
