My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
