mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
