look no pants
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
