First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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