don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
