found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
