he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
