I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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