I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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