Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We left the knife in your bed.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
