That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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