so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
