I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
