woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
