She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Ladies don't puke and tell
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
