in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
