My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i drank out of a bidet.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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