How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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