By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hippo gnu deer
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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