I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
