Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
