You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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