Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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