I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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