i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
