you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
