i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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