Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
