I'm so fucking centered right now
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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