New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
