Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
