4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
