I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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