dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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