I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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