someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i need some magic done to my vagina
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
