Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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