Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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